


On the Professionalism of Pet Names

by WishingStar



Category: Christian Bible (Old Testament), תנ"ך | Tanakh
Genre: Although if you read them as gen in canon, Bible slash always fun, Crack, Fluff, Gen with moderate squinting required, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, This is an off-the-wall theory but I find it amusing, Warning: goy messing with Hebrew Bible, you can probably squint and read this as gen too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 12:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17560322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishingStar/pseuds/WishingStar
Summary: Elhanan just wants people to quit calling him "David." It's all Jonathan's fault.





	On the Professionalism of Pet Names

**Author's Note:**

> Much as I hate to explain the joke up front, you need to know two things for this fic to make any sense whatsoever:  
> 1) The letters דוד (DWD) form the tri-consonantal root of both the proper name "David" and a Biblical Hebrew word that meant "beloved."  
> 2) Our oldest surviving copies of scripture contain a verse (2 Samuel 21:19 in the Protestant Bible) saying that "Elhanan the son of Jaare-oregim the Bethlehemite slew Goliath the Gittite." Some interpreters regard this as scribal error, since as we all know, David was the one who slew Goliath. Others have concluded that Elhanan and David must somehow be the same person.
> 
> In other words: Did I just write fic for the sake of wordplay in a language I don't even speak? Yes. Yes I did.
> 
> 3) (Addendum) I don't need to explain ship tags to you all. But if you're unfamiliar with the character of Jonathan, go read the first four verses of 1 Samuel 18. I'll wait.

Jonathan was lounging against a supply wagon, eating a handful of pilfered figs and scratching one of the donkeys behind the ears, when Elhanan came into view. Jonathan stood up straighter, propelled by a now-familiar leap of his heart.

"Hey, love, when did you get into camp?" he started, before registering the look on Elhanan’s face. It wasn’t quite the unbridled frustration of _can-you-believe-what-the-king-wants-me-to-do-now_ , which was a look Jonathan saw far too often, but neither was it a positive look. It most resembled the expression he got when Jonathan’s father started ranting at the dinner table: weary determination to endure an unpleasant task. He carried a letter with the seal broken—troubling news? No, the letter was a days-old update on troop positions, which Jonathan knew because he'd written it himself. He recognized the _DWD_ scrawled across the front in his own hand.

"Is everything all right?"

"I need you to stop that," said Elhanan.

Jonathan raised both hands instinctively, though he doubted petting the donkey was what Elhanan meant. "Stop what?"

"Calling me _love._ "

"Ah." All right, don't panic. It was just about the term of endearment, right? If Elhanan wanted to call off their whole relationship, he would’ve phrased it differently. They were fine. Not everyone felt the need to shout it from the rooftops, when they fell in love, when they found someone who fit them like the other half of their own soul. The fact that Jonathan couldn’t contain himself—that he felt a low-grade but constant urge to affirm what they had, to brag a little—well, that urge said more about Jonathan himself than their relationship. Elhanan clearly didn't have the same impulse, that was all. Didn't mean they weren't fine. Right?

The donkey head-butted Jonathan’s arm. He absently fed it the last remaining fig and resisted the temptation to say plaintively _Are you sure?_

Elhanan rolled his eyes. "Ugh, don’t look at me like that." He glanced uphill, to confirm that the two caravan guards within earshot were occupied with their own conversation.

"If we’re in private, fine," he continued in a lower voice. "With your family, I'll allow it. But I got this—" he brandished the letter— "from a very confused runner who kept asking who _David_ was and where to find him. Your handwriting's atrocious, by the way."

"You got the message, though. So what's the problem?"

"The problem? It confuses the new recruits. The ones who know me better think it's funny. The other officers think it's _hilarious._ Especially now they've started doing it too. _Hey David, any news from the prince lately? Hey David, tell Jonathan we need more wine in our rations, bet he'll listen if it's coming from you..._ "

Jonathan snorted. Elhanan gave him a shove, just a hair too forcefully to be considered playful. "It's not funny. I have enough trouble maintaining discipline as it is."

"Nonsense. Your unit is the best in the army."

"No thanks to you. You want to give me a nickname, can't you come up with one that's at least remotely intimidating?"

Jonathan fought back another laugh. “I hate to break it to you, love, but nobody thinks you’re intimidating." He stepped forward and hooked an arm around Elhanan's waist, pulling him closer. "A brilliant tactician, sure. Heart of a lion, absolutely. The greatest war hero of our time. But not _intimidating_."

Elhanan made a disgruntled _pfft_ noise, but he didn't pull away, which cleared up any lingering concern Jonathan might've had. They were fine.

"You know why your soldiers are the best, right?" Jonathan went on. "Because you inspire them. They try their hardest to impress you. Because they _love_ you. I think it's very fitting."

"Remind me again why I tolerate you."

Jonathan made a show of frowning in thought. "Because I'm the king's son, and you're stuck with me?"

"That's definitely not it. I could be herding sheep in the hills above Bethlehem right now, not—" he cut off abruptly as Jonathan leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Not dealing with rumors about my personal life," he muttered, tipping his face so their noses brushed.

"Let them talk."

"I can't exactly stop them. You could."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Elhanan made another dismissive noise, and this time he did pull away. "I don't know why I bother. Go back to feeding the donkeys, or whatever you were doing. _Some_ of us have work to do."

"I'll see you later?" Jonathan asked, because he never did learn when not to push his luck. Probably because pushing his luck so often worked in his favor.

Elhanan scowled. "Maybe."

See, that typically meant yes. "I'll see you later, then."

"Only if you start calling me by my name in front of the men."

Jonathan waited till Elhanan started walking away, so he’d have an excuse to raise his voice.

"Whatever you say, love!"

Atop the hill, one of the guards broke into laughter.


End file.
